１。有时候我觉得我是幸福的。幸福，对一个女人来说无味就是她生命中最重要的两个男人的关心。我知道。不合规矩。一向追求女性权主义的我 怎么把快乐的泉源定义在男人身上？

２。上帝嘲笑着渺小的我们　控制着命运与所谓的机缘巧合　甚至掌控了我们抗不抗命的人物性格。信不信由你。　生命其实由不得自己，很多时候都是背着委屈在做事。

your life is fucking important
And my life is not
My time is yours to spend and waste and fritter away

I say FUCK YOU

Sometimes, I can't wait to fucking die and see how all of you realize how much you take me for granted
And then I will think, your tears won't be because you lost someone precious to you but because you lost a slave.

I wish I have more courage. I only wish. Then I might.

possibly the most serious bout of lack of appetite ever.
telling you, it really sucks.
it's no longer an issue of getting fat/chubby/heavier
but it's more of this deep repulsion for food in itself, not the effects it has on me.
i'm pretty convinced I can survive without any food. maybe with the exception of ice-cream and water.
maybe work is taking a toll on me. life is taking a toll on me.
i don't want to do  a n y t h i n g.
just lie in the middle of bed and stare at the ceiling.
feeling alone, but not lonely.
i need that sanity back.
that sanity of privacy, the allowance for preference.
that's what.
i just don't feel like eating. maybe i'll just fade away - that's how things happen, right?
overthinking kills.
it kills softly, without a trace.
i just want to fade away sometimes.
and it won't matter, because none of us ever did.

so many things, so little time

I think I've officially chewed off more than I can bite.

Let's see what are the things on my platter:

1. OR job.
2. S. blog
3. HSSX
4. A's 21st
5. K's wedding
6. Bali trip planning

I always get so paranoid when I take the plane.

Lungs feel too weak to propel phlegm out... oh my god. Actually it doesn't feel too uncomfortable, just a very lethargic pair of lungs in my chest feeling like it just carried me through 2.4km.

Feeling horriblezzzzzz.
Cough cough cough non-stop and my lungs feel like there's something constantly crushing it.
Okay hopefully it's all in the mind sort of thing and it'll go away tomorrow.
I'm already eating medicine so: get well soon, body.

Dear dream diary.

Last night was a semi-scary dream.
There were quite a bit forgettable parts before that, and then when I got home, I realized that my bag has transformed into yours. Actually, it looked like none of the bags that we have - but siying has this sort of a bag - dark maroon backpack. But anyway somehow in the dream I just knew it was yours. Cos' we were supposedly carrying the same bags (LOL) but the contents were different. You were going back camp at that time and somehow I also know that you will be boarding the train (not MRT) at Tanjong Pagar train station that brings you back to camp. Inside your bag there's your phone too, no wonder you didn't reply me. -_- Okay so I took a quick look at the contents of your bag before rushing out of my house. I found a discman-shaped bomb (??? I assumed, cos it was ticking and there were blinking red lights all over) and I knew I had to get it to you to defuse it. Lol. Okay then after that I ran out of the house and very quickly the next scene switched to the train station.

I was trying to look for your name on a board where there were many many names of which passenger is going up which train, and that was when a guy came and told me he was your friend. I stupidly believed him (Oh god why. I'm not this stupid in real life ok) and then he said that you haven't arrived yet and asked me to go to a nearby cafe to rest first. Then I followed him and we started eating waffles and strawberries. He started talking about a lot of things but I wasn't really listening, holding onto the bag and looking at the clock. The clock looked strange though, it reads 10.30am but the sky looked like it was afternoon-ish more like 5pm. I wanted to interrupt the guy and ask what time you will reach, but he just refuse to stop talking.

I asked him if he knew how to defuse the bomb in your bag and that was when he suddenly wanted to snatch it over. I hugged it protectively and he tried to snatch it again over the table and that was when I started running. The train station was super crowded and I was squeezing through the crowd with the bag, but the guy was hot on my heels. Omg he is definitely a bad guy.

Just then my phone vibrated and Whatsapp messages started streaming in. You used another number to text me goodbye and said that you left your phone at home (so you thought) and that you were leaving the train station. While running, I texted 等 - send - and another 等我 frantically while completely multi-tasking.

A train was pulling into the station and everyone started clamouring onto it - it is the 情深深雨蒙蒙 train-scene kinda crowded where everyone had their little bamboo luggages and shouting. I was being pushed all around and trying to maintain balance but it was difficult. The guy is gone and I was trying to text you again and then I woke up.

I realized something about crying. Okay this isn't exactly light-hearted reading material... but anyway. Continuing. I used to cry quite a bit, but my emotions seemed to have changed. Need more explanation. Continuing. In the past, I cry even before I felt a lot of sadness. But now, it seems like... -a lot of emotions gathering in the mind and the heart -->  heart feels really really heavy --> and then a piece of my heart breaks through and the tears just fall. Very close description of what happens. These days a lot of pieces of my heart keep falling through... but it feels really really therapeutic to cry though. Yes seems sadistic but... I really haven't cried for damn long. Maybe the last time I really cried in the heartbreakingly + satisfying sort was during results announcement for SYF. Thereafter, every cry doesn't seem satisfying enough.. I don't ever feel like I used up all my tears. What a sad post. Okay. It probably is because of my playlist. Why you keep playing sad songs. :(

Hello yigekongjian.Long time no see... I guess I'm coming here today because I'm lazy to type on my phone... I dunno why but certain songs remind me of certain events, random pieces of memories. Well right now I'm listening to 鲁冰花... maybe Canto-kids can understand the homophones - although a tough link - but there still is a link to what I'm thinking about in the next paragraph.

I used to communicate with my Granddad with written letters... we (my sisters and I) would secretly leave it at some part of his room where he would definitely see every time before we leave Malaysia... so that he would have a part of us even after we leave. Till next year, the letter always forlornly punctuates itself... before a cutesy "We love you!" to lighten the mood up. The last two/three years, I continued the tradition myself... I knew he would be disappointed if I didn't, and I knew I had to. I'm glad I did... because it was the only way we could ever had quality communication - that is, with me writing in Chinese language which he could read. There was that only one time which he handed me a letter he wrote before I left (the year before the last) in which he wrote that he wished that I will keep an attitude of 自强不息 in my studies... occasionally whenever I feel unmotivated to study, I'll recall those few words. It gives me strength. Like... he is around telling me to study because learning is good for me. Going back to basics. Not because of GPA or scores... but because it is fundamentally good for me. I miss him a lot. And it feels terribly lonely to know that... all I have is his letter and a very, transient, intangible memory of him. I can't believe it has only been little more than three months, but it seems so long ago... Three months ain't enough to stop grieving, really. But it's like... all the evidence of him in my life is suddenly gone. Nobody seems to care anymore. Or maybe it's taboo that's why everyone is silent. I don't know. For me, I still care. So deeply.

I can't deal with death... I really don't know how to return to Malaysia this time without breaking down, or maintaining a poker face. Why did you wake my heart up? Now it's havoc.

Oh damn, the waterworks.

5-11-2013

今天就没有什么事情发生。放学后就在学校读完一个 reading。

然后看天黑黑的 我就先回家了。

然后就煮了这个：

还不错吧。:)

HEY :)

没什么。

I am not your mother nor your primary school teacher.
I don't want to spoonfeed you everything especially when you can't think.
Need to be a fucking bitch when it comes to group work in electives next time:

"Hey you want to SU? I don't want you in my group."

I totally understand why that econs guy can be such a bastard.

Working with thick skulls feels very insulting to me. At best.
I thought studying in a university would be more enriching.
But no.
I'm forced to work with people with the amount of responsibility of two minus two and people with thick skulls that don't deserve to be here.
Fucking waste of time.

FOR REFERENCE

#

3 inch sin

2am dessert bar

&made

A

Arteastiq (chill out)

B

Benjamin Browns (cakes)

Bar Bar Black Sheep

C

Chye Seng Huat Hardware Cafe  (coffee + chill out)

Carpenter & Cook

D

DTF

Department of Caffeine

E

Epicurious Cafe

Everything with Fries

F

Fukuichi Japanese Dining Restaurant (lunch + dinner + family)

Flor Patisserie

Forty Hands

Fosters Cafe

Five & Dime

G

Group Therapy

H

Hoshino Coffee

J

Jamie's Oliver

K

KKI Sweets (chill out + cakes)

Kith Cafe (coffee + chill out + cakes)

King Louis Bar & Grill

Kombi Rocks (retro car decor + chill out + cakes)

L

Loysel's Toy (kallang + cafe + coffee + chill out)

Level33 (atas dinner)

La Nonna

Laduree chill out + cakes)

M

Maple & Market (chill out + cakes)

Ma Maison

Menya Musashi

MU Parlour

N

Neli's Ice-Cream (chill out + desserts)

Nanas Green Tea

O

Oriole Cafe & Bar (alcohol + chill out)

Open Door Policy

Out of the pan

P

Paradise Dynasty (lunch + dinner + family)

Pietrasantra (italian + dinner)

PORN's (lunch + dinner)

Prive Cafe

PuTien

R

Royal China

S

 Swee Choon (dim dim dim dim dim sum~)

Strangers Reunion

Symmetry Cafe

T

Tim Ho Wan

The White Rabbit (atas dinner)

The Marmalade Pantry

Q

R

Riders Cafe  (coffee + chill out + cakes)

U

Udders

W

Wild Honey

Wimbly Lu

Y

Yan Ting

Z

我再也不要在乎人家怎么看我
我也懒得巴结你 喜欢我
我就是我
TAKE IT LEAVE IT

只剩幾天了...
但不知道為什麼
每天會越來越想你？
思念和依賴真的很可怕...

昨晚做了一場噩夢
在一片一望無際的沙漠上
只有我們倆
沒有水也沒有食物
沒有錢也沒有車
只有 $1 的硬幣 還有一個超傳統的電話亭
我們想要打電話回家
但是不知道要打回給誰的家
一下 你就撥了我家的電話

Come back soon :(
我不在我身旁 真的很没有安全感。
依赖 很可怕 ...

Shopping spree

Needed my retail therapy and got it,
turned my Dad into a grumpy monster for it.
And disclaimer: I only bought what I needed/really wanted with my own money please
It's not like I'm those spoilt rich girls who do 3D gelish manicure every two weeks.
I mean.
I can be a lot WORSE.
I do my own manicures (once in a very blue moon) and I don't even ask them for money anymore.
Don't understand why they should preside over how I deal with my own finances.

Well. List of stuff I bought just to keep track:
1. Maybelline Compact powder - necessity. My previous free ones ran out. And this isn't too expensive anyway. $14.80
2. Two eyeliners - one liquid black and one brown - which are also necessities because my previous one ran out. $3.90, $8.90 respectively.
3. Three pots of nail polish (just tried them out, about as good as OPI standard except for the annoyingly short brush) - $4 for all

Eh. That's all leh. Anyway my last paycheck came in therefore I'm on a shopping spree. Beauty is something worth investing in, after all. Hmph.

/edit:

我恨不得拥有属于我自己的世界
想怎样就怎样
想哭泣不需要躲藏
想酗酒就在大街上
想奔跑日晒雨淋也没问题
累了地上就是床
现在的我
静静在着凝视着天空
却喘不过气

追梦赤子心 gave me a lot of motivation and inspiration... esp its chorus. A crude translation. You've got to keep running regardless of criticism or not. If life's not tough enough, we can't feel the true essence of life itself. No second chances nor leniency allowed in this game of life, even if you're completely battered and lost. How true. You can only go on.

Hang tough. Go on. We will make it at the end. (Technically at this point I'll slump into my existential issue debate but today I shall just allow myself to be inspired)

Humans are highly adaptive... 什么都可以习惯。

充满鲜花的世界到底在哪里 
如果它真的存在那么我一定会去 
我想在那里最高的山峰矗立 
不在乎它是不是悬崖峭壁
用力活着用力爱哪怕肝脑涂地 
不求任何人满意只要对得起自己 
关于理想我从来没选择放弃
即使在灰头土脸的日子里 
也许我没有天分
但我有梦的天真
我将会去证明用我的一生
也许我手比脚笨 
但我愿不停探寻 
付出所有的青春不留遗憾 
向前跑 
迎着冷眼和嘲笑 
生命的广阔不历经磨难怎能感到 
命运它无法让我们跪地求饶 
就算鲜血洒满了怀抱 
继续跑 
带着赤子的骄傲 
生命的闪耀不坚持到底怎能看到 
与其苟延残喘不如纵情燃烧吧 
有一天会再发芽 
未来迷人绚烂总在向我召唤 
哪怕只有痛苦作伴也要勇往直前 
我想在那里最蓝的大海扬帆 
绝不管自己能不能回还 
失败后郁郁寡欢 
那是懦夫的表现 
只要一息尚存请握紧双拳 
在天色破晓之前 
我们要更加勇敢 
等待日出时最耀眼的瞬间 
向前跑 
迎着冷眼和嘲笑 
生命的广阔不历经磨难怎能感到 
命运它无法让我们跪地求饶 
就算鲜血洒满了怀抱 
继续跑 
带着赤子的骄傲 
生命的闪耀不坚持到底怎能看到 
与其苟延残喘不如纵情燃烧 
为了心中的美好 
不妥协直到变老

Hearing your voice makes everything so much better. <3

别再使凌晨冷暴力
城墙用蛮力撞会倒
何况对玻璃暗侵袭。

I should just quit FB and Insta for good.

I shouldn't be this stressed

After all it is JUST mid terms.
But. I just feel uncomfortable with all these.
I already know my stuff.
After 10 hours of cramming and revising and repeating - I know my stuff.
But somehow when you ask me,
I can't get it out.
It is just this unexplainable amount of stress
Hopefully by writing it out here it'll ease me a little bit
But maybe it's the lack of sleep that's driving me insane
Correction: Not lack of sleep
It's bad quality sleep.
Dreams, nightmares.
Running in the streets, hiding.
I don't even know what I'm hiding from in those dreams.
Why do I even have to hide?
Paranoia. Guilt. That's the constant feeling throughout, unexplainable paranoia.
I need to concentrate.
I can, but only at the expense of sleep.
I concentrate best at memorizing when I don't have enough sleep
But I can't do exams without sleeping
I'm not making any sense.
Good night.
Sometimes I just wish.
Okay nvm.
xoxo

List of unfortunate events today T_T

And the day hasn't even ended yet.

1. 8.50am - Woke up late D; Supposed to leave the house at 8.50am.
2. 9.07am - The lift is under maintenance. *climbs stairs*
3. 9.10am - The bus is coming only in 10mins T_T
4. 9.45am - Reached lecture. Actually, not too bad.
11am - Not an unfortunate event, lecture ends early. 
12pm - Not an unfortunate event, you have wifi ^_^
5. 2pm - My earphones died. T_T
6. 4.30pm - I forgot the formula for z!!! Actually not forgot. I had a moment of not-sure and then I took a wrong guess. I was so sure that my initial formula is correct but the answer like 怪怪的。So I changed. UGHHH. But it isn't worth too much so... nevermind. No more perfect score T_T""" Not enough sleep means not enough concentration. I think I need to drill this in my head for finals - to get 8 hours of sleep! :<<<< Totally regretting that hour of playing Wordament before I slept.
7. 5.30pm - End of midterms, my shoe broke o_O
8. First day of school after recess. :( 

8 unfortunate events.
Meh.
They always come as a string. But why today! T_T

I do things in my own style.
I don't care if you like it or not.
I've given up on finding affirmation.
I am not going to ask you to like me.
I'm just going to be who I am.
Those who want, will come.
Those who don't, I don't care, it's fine, suit yourself.
That's how I'm going to be.

I miss njcd

I know it's not as if we're not in contact now, but it's just. I miss those times fighting with a clear goal in mind, pushing physical limits and feeling totally spent at the end of the day. Lying on the ground, feeling like every muscle is going to break if I moved; and every plaster on my foot wasn't helping. It hurts physically, but it feels so good.  We knew what we were fighting for. We knew what we wanted. I know what I had to do to get it. It might be hard, but the steps were clear, the final destination was clear.

Now,
I just feel so lost.
I am working hard,
for no clear goal in mind.
Sure, I want that perfect 5.0 gpa,
a small voice asked me, but do I really?

Or do I want to go out there and try to make it big on my own,
have a business or start-up,
working on my page views on my blog,
or just trying to be someone else,
rather than an undergraduate fighting in a miasma of a rat race?

I want to be famous, I want to get sponsors. Sure I'm materialistic and stuff, I know I am. That's what I want. But I know, when I get there, I won't like it anyway. I am always desiring things I can't get. The voice in my head kept asking, is this really what you want? Or actually what someone wants of you?

They say successful people have clear goals.
But it seems,
before I entered university,
I knew it wasn't what I wanted.
Everyone thinks getting into university is something to be proud of.
But really?
You're just enslaving yourself to a system.

I know I learnt a lot in university.
But what makes you think I couldn't be learning more out there in the real world?
I want to suffer in the working world and learn through the hard way of meeting people and learning from the real deal, not fucking theories after theories and wayang and bullshit smoking (by the way, that's what I surmise university is all about after 1.5 years).
I know what I want, actually and it isn't this.

From the moment I made that decision,
I suddenly realized who I am and what my personality is like. And if I were to continue to be like that,
my life is probably going to be quite sad.
And weeks after weeks more of the same things manifest and confirmed that I'm truly made this way.
On the bus ride that day back from MBS 我就想通了
On the root cause of my unhappiness all these years.
But it isn't external, and that's probably why I'm even grouchier about it than ever.
I wish I can pin the blame on someone or something else,
but it's apparent that the problem lies with me.
And this me, is a me that I have no courage to change.
And this me, is the reason why time after time I cannot stand my ground to fight for what I want.

Arrogant as it is going to sound, sometimes I wish I am not as intelligent as I am,
otherwise I'll be a much happier person.

I want to go travel.
I don't want to be bounded by constaints of work-that-I-have-no-passion-for and time.
I don't mind being bounded by money - I don't mind working for it.
But I just hate wasting even a second of my life doing something that I don't feel for.
In fact in an alternative parallel universe I might be working in OR happily now and enjoying life.
It's the one place that I really feel at peace with myself and knowing what to do and being really good at what I do. Actually tbh more accurately was with SD but well more or less the same since it was because of K that I feel this way. Definitely a benefactor in my life. But I'm going to let him down by actually forgoing work for school. It's like all over again, isn't it?
I keep saying I don't have regrets in my life because each decision I made I make with all my heart and at that point of time it's what I would choose to do.
But I suddenly see so much regrets floating around.
Maybe I should have failed my A levels a bit more, then things would have been better?
I don't know.
There are too many crossroads of decisions.
Too many could haves.

I want to write.
Write down all the fantasy stories that I have and just delve and escape in them.
Maybe I should really disappear and carve out a new life on my own.
Courage, where art thou missing from my life?
Well, I guess God did put in some imperfections when He was making me.

I will wait for you.

Stick to my principles, and I'll be fine.
Somehow. I will be fine. I'm sure.
I miss you and nothing comes close to substituting you. :/
Do your readings, and craft your answers, woman.
You have so little self-control I should strap you to the chair and force you to do work.

/edit I see the mini green bubble beside your name and I am tempted to pop in for a conversation. I hold myself back. I know I need to do this. I need to. If I can get through this once, I can do it again, I can do it for the rest of my life.

I give you an A for creativity but can you take no for an answer? Or as Ave says, I'm never convincing. Am I not convincing because I'm too soft-hearted or do I not have the resolve in my answer? What, it has already been a month and you just won't leave me alone. Do I have to run to a monastery and turn into a nun? Good idea you've put in my head, wip ;) It's a very good idea indeed, actually. Turning into a nun, that is.

Too much advice on the internet

The best advice is always not to think too much, which is what I will do.
So many songs bring back different memories. It's probably a good idea to just keep listening to Chopin, Bach, Yiruma and Kitaro - oh not Kitaro too.

Currently listening to my whole playlist anyway,
刚好　我们拥有彼此寻找的好
可惜不太凑巧　在错的时候情路上遇到
若不是　不忍心看你两难中煎熬
不然我绝不肯这样眼睁睁　看你重回他怀抱
嘴角勉强撑起了笑　也要让你看到最后一丝的骄傲
因为你说说到做到　提的起放的下才有男人的味道
我不是不知道没有你的日子会有多么煎熬
就算是我傻的可笑　失去当成得到
只要能够对你好我都会做到

Not very productive again, but at least I am done with studying stats midterms. Left with 2001 midterms to study. Oh god. Another mountain to climb... 

You~~~ need to come back soon. 

A tiring day, but my mind feels so refreshed.
Today is a day I let my mind go to rest, and let my heart decide where to walk.
It has been long.

21 weeks ahead, I don't feel anything at all.

Sometimes, I scare myself.

Plug in, the world's gone

I think
I like techno more than I think.
Especially at high volume.

If anything.

I don't know why I keep starting my sentence with "if anything" but. Oh whatever.

I feel like an outsider in my house.

Fucking hell, why am I so "Asian". 

I have to blame it on my Asian roots.

What kind of stupid logic is this:

1. Chasing me out of my room, WITHOUT MY PERMISSION may I emphasise, and into one-third of a room - I don't even have half of it, please. 

2. Now I have to share a room with a temperamental, constantly PMS-ing woman who cannot get used to my weird habits of sleeping at 3am (which honestly, then again not very weird by the standards of people of my age) - who does many little things which makes me feel like I shouldn't even be in that one-third space of the room. I give up exercising because there is not fucking space in the room. The whole place is so fucking squeezy I feel claustrophobic every single time I'm in here.

3. No allowance since I'm earning my own keep. Well I shall remain proud, stubborn and strong on this point. Which is damn sad if I were to compare with others but I shan't. 

4. I no longer have fucking space in the fridge. To that by the way, I will buy my own groceries. Reminder to self.

5. I don't have FUCKING SPACE. Fucking space. I need my space.

Reminder to self, 

Get out of the house from the first waking moment until 12mn and then drop dead on the bed, 

and repeat. 

Every single day until recess week is over.

Why do I stick around like a parasite? It's not as if I don't have enough money to get out there and get my own place, honestly. If I really want to, I can pack up all my stuff, which rightfully belong to me, bought by my own money - laptop, phone, and every single necessity which I need. I look around and I do realize that hardly anything is NOT bought by my own money anymore.

Why are you treating me like your employee? Why the FUCK? 

Why the fuck are you treating me like some beggar that you just picked off the streets?

I am fucking enraged and this by itself is an understatement.

Hello, I'm your daughter.

I'm not demanding for it because I'm fucking Asian and I think that I am not entitled to it. 
Ya ya ya, the house is yours. You have the right to put me in the storeroom if you want.
Which honestly, I think, according to the current slippery slope, 
where I should be in a few months' time.

I want to get out of this house asap.

Rest assured I'll make sure I grown my full-fledged wings, not to worry.

(Then again, Amie, haven't you been saying that since... what, you're 15?) 

Today.

Can I just agree with no one in particular that symptoms.com is one of the scariest websites? But it's fine. Scare me once, shame on you. Scare me twice, shame on me, right. Today is kinda worth celebrating because it is the first time in six weeks my gums haven't bled (while brushing)! *mini dance in the room* Hahaha. Okay. I was hoping for it to stop *soon* so that I can avoid a trip to the dentist. :< And after six weeks of waiting finally haha! I'm definitely a believer of let-it-heal-by-itself. Maybe I should really get braces because the trouble of brushing misaligned teeth is really annoying.

Today I also did a lot on my blog, giving it a new makeover because it is 3/4 through the year! Okay a bit of self-entertaining for changing the interface every 3 months (check, the last time I made any huge changes was in June). But page views spiked for the highest since the advent of my blog!!! Cheap thrill - it is at 764 page views today! And the day hasn't end yet (oh the days start at 9am and end at 8am the next day) - so essentially 764 page views is only for 10 hours. Usual page views only hovers at 300+ at tops. The highest I ever got was a few days ago at 534. Heh heh okay I probably lost you at the third sentence of this paragraph.

I will really go study and stop all these frivolous stuffs.

And you! 跑去哪里了？

Keeping check

What else do I need to complete before recess week ends
3002
Print 3002 questions and practise + study for 3002 midterms (1/10, 6/10)

2001
Study for 2001 midterms (3/10, 5/10) 

2005
Print the rest of 2005 notes  (1/10)
start on project 2 paper

ha0201
write notes for ha0201 L4, L5, L6, L7 (2/10)
answer think questions for ha0201 L1 L2 L3 (2/10)
start on essay

ha1004
write notes for ha1004 L2 L3 L4 L5 L6 L7 (2/10)
read textbook for ha1004 for W1 W2 W3 (2/10)
complete presentation for ha1004 (4/10)

cs8090
start on group project >_<

Talking to 'manda

Was therapeutic. It always is. That girl, I swear, has a knack at counselling or just talking to people and making me feel so at ease and keeps me in a happy mood. :) When I talk to her, I just understand myself more, and she helps me iron out my thoughts so nicely without even attempting at all. Just being there, helps. I guess life is being really good to me, giving me all these wonderful people. #feelingblessed

No amount of time is enough

Face it: I can't decide. No amount of time is enough because it is a circular argument.
It is obviously a circular argument.
I can't decide, and no amount of time is enough.
I don't have time to think about such frivolous stuff.
But honestly?
I'm just escaping.
Maybe I don't want anything at all.

Tonight I'm convinced

God gives each and every of us the same amount of happiness, frustration, sadness and blessings.
The duration of your life doesn't really matter... because in life, I think death is not exactly a curse, but an eternal release from suffering in the living life. So perhaps for the short-lived beings, all the myriad of emotions are just compressed within that time.

Returning to the self-centric nature of this blog: I feel like I've expended much of my happiness and blessings in my life in terms of the sort of people I've met in my life. It must have been. I haven't met a single person who treats me meanly, not too meanly, anyway. But a whole lot of angels in my life. You know who you are...  I would probably list them out if I were writing in a diary or a password protected blog, but this is ultimately a public kongjian that I don't want to expose too many names here.

I could probably list one to a hundred, at least. Some more than others, but nevertheless, still my angels. Guarding me from tipping over the edge at one point or another. Saving me from the urges to throw myself into doldrums and waste. Saving me from bad decisions. Giving me a refuge, a safe haven in this suffering of the living life.

Haven't thought about existential issues for a long long time but it doesn't mean that they aren't always at the back of my mind. I know it's very egoistical (aren't I always) to regard this sort of questions as one of the more intellectual topics to think about; even more egoistical to think that intelligent people are always unhappy because of the core existential issue that they can't come to terms with, unless resolved with religion.

With no intention to show disrespect to any religion in particular, I think that countering existential issues with religion is the most escapist way of seeing it. Okay, just like how whatever that follows "no offense" is often offensive... you may leave now if you don't want to read whatever that's going to come.

(Boy am I long-winded tonight)

Back to why I think it is escapist, I have to re-evaluate my own "religion" (or lack thereof) to set the stage for this monologue on existential issues.

In my belief, "God" is an external superpower whose only function is to give me confidence or faith in issues that science has no answers for, and simultaneously I'm aware and take it as an indisputable fact that God is a figment of my mental creation. Still following me? I'm rational beyond words, but expect nothing less from a mechanical product of this secularized and highly-bureaucratic society.

Next: Suicide is only natural and that the only motivation for people to not commit suicide is distraction in the form of work and temporary, short-lived goals such as - getting rich? earning more money for the next meal ticket? and so on. Which are essentially useless and meaningless to say the least. Why, you will definitely ask. Well, you are trapped in complex series of distractions that you don't see how much you've delved inside this maze of distractions. Remove yourself from all these, if you may, and discard all the superfluous additions and ask what the meaning of life is. You don't have to answer me, or try to rebut. Whatever your answer is, I guarantee, it is extremely minute throughout the history of universe and so inconsequential, so microscopic. 

This is not meant to encourage suicide, by the way, do get on with your distractions in life. We need some peace and order after all and fear is one thing that causes the current living suffering worse and more unbearable.

Okay end of midnight rant. Maybe next time the paragraph above will appear in some reading, please quote my name, kthxbye.

Day three.

I finally finished the huge stack of McDonaldization reading and I realized it is three chapters (aka. three readings -length) zomg. Going onto the next reading now. I've turned into a reading-finishing machine. :<

What else do I need to complete before recess week ends
3002
Print 3002 questions and practise + study for 3002 midterms (30/9, 6/10)
reorganize everything zomg so messy

2001
Another reading called Bureaucracy by Max Weber (28/9)
Study for 2001 midterms (4/10, 5/10) 
reorganize everything zomg so messy

2005
Another reading called the Moral Mum Effect (28/9)
Print the rest of 2005 notes  (30/9)
start on project 2 paper (don't forget)
reorganize everything zomg so messy

ha0201
write notes for ha0201 L4, L5, L6, L7 (1/10, 2/10)
answer think questions for ha0201 L1 L2 L3 L4 L5 L6 L7 (3/10)
start on essay (don't forget) 
um, start looking at this mod seriously?

ha1004
write notes for ha1004 L2 L3 L4 L5 L6 L7 (1/10, 2/10)
read textbook for ha1004 for W1 W2 W3 W4 W5 W6 W7 (2/10)
complete presentation + memo for ha1004  
um, start looking at this mod seriously?

cs8090
start on group project >_<
reorganize everything zomg so messy

What am I doing

I'm asking myself over and over again.
Hopefully that question disappears soon, and I'll forget what this post is about, too.

I'm afraid of the little me that controls what I do.
It's as if,
I'm just sitting in the middle of a living room,
looking at everything get smashed up around me,
but I'm just sitting here,
silently, unmoving,
looking at the havoc,
but feeling perfectly alright.

It's just this silent storm kicking in me, and the fact that I'm ignoring it.
Ignoring it so viciously but it's so loud.

I used to go hating on panadol

One of the worst cramps ever, but I find comfort in being able to rest at home without much disruption to my life. Actually I only have four bouts of really bad cramps in my life (only, but devastatingly painful :<) I used to go on hating on panadol a lot, but I've already popped three in this year just to stop the unbearable pain. And it is such a life-saver. I could feel the pain immediately ebbing away. Oh praise the genius who invented panadol (Googled and it was someone named Harmon Northrop Morse) I wonder if this torture is close to the sort of pain is close to the sort of pain people face nearing death. Well not trying to be melodramatic but this is about the maximum amount of pain I can tolerate.

Ginger tea, panadols and a good dose of acupoints massage. I will really, really stop drinking cold drinks and officially switch to hot coffee from now on. ;'( Err. A resolution that might change after a few days when I've forgotten how painful this is. :P 

Signs that I should go to sleep soon

你越不在
我越乱
通常这个时候
我们都在另一个世界
一个让思想停留 脑袋放空的世界
一个无天边 的世界

你不在
我却还在
只是 一个人
何时我变得那么不甘寂寞
不如说：何时我变得那么依赖你的陪伴？

Time check, 12.25am.

Tomorrow's the interview. 加油 Amie! <3

It's like unplugging from the life support system

I'm listening to my playlist, our playlist, just thinking about how far you must be now.
1.25am.
I'm doing my readings, thinking of you.
You left, and I feel like I just got unplugged from the life support system.
Doraemon 在看着我！
I'm going to study my readings.
Pace: 0.5/3 readings.
.__.