I miss njcd

I know it's not as if we're not in contact now, but it's just. I miss those times fighting with a clear goal in mind, pushing physical limits and feeling totally spent at the end of the day. Lying on the ground, feeling like every muscle is going to break if I moved; and every plaster on my foot wasn't helping. It hurts physically, but it feels so good.  We knew what we were fighting for. We knew what we wanted. I know what I had to do to get it. It might be hard, but the steps were clear, the final destination was clear.

Now,
I just feel so lost.
I am working hard,
for no clear goal in mind.
Sure, I want that perfect 5.0 gpa,
a small voice asked me, but do I really?

Or do I want to go out there and try to make it big on my own,
have a business or start-up,
working on my page views on my blog,
or just trying to be someone else,
rather than an undergraduate fighting in a miasma of a rat race?

I want to be famous, I want to get sponsors. Sure I'm materialistic and stuff, I know I am. That's what I want. But I know, when I get there, I won't like it anyway. I am always desiring things I can't get. The voice in my head kept asking, is this really what you want? Or actually what someone wants of you?

They say successful people have clear goals.
But it seems,
before I entered university,
I knew it wasn't what I wanted.
Everyone thinks getting into university is something to be proud of.
But really?
You're just enslaving yourself to a system.

I know I learnt a lot in university.
But what makes you think I couldn't be learning more out there in the real world?
I want to suffer in the working world and learn through the hard way of meeting people and learning from the real deal, not fucking theories after theories and wayang and bullshit smoking (by the way, that's what I surmise university is all about after 1.5 years).
I know what I want, actually and it isn't this.

From the moment I made that decision,
I suddenly realized who I am and what my personality is like. And if I were to continue to be like that,
my life is probably going to be quite sad.
And weeks after weeks more of the same things manifest and confirmed that I'm truly made this way.
On the bus ride that day back from MBS 我就想通了
On the root cause of my unhappiness all these years.
But it isn't external, and that's probably why I'm even grouchier about it than ever.
I wish I can pin the blame on someone or something else,
but it's apparent that the problem lies with me.
And this me, is a me that I have no courage to change.
And this me, is the reason why time after time I cannot stand my ground to fight for what I want.

Arrogant as it is going to sound, sometimes I wish I am not as intelligent as I am,
otherwise I'll be a much happier person.

I want to go travel.
I don't want to be bounded by constaints of work-that-I-have-no-passion-for and time.
I don't mind being bounded by money - I don't mind working for it.
But I just hate wasting even a second of my life doing something that I don't feel for.
In fact in an alternative parallel universe I might be working in OR happily now and enjoying life.
It's the one place that I really feel at peace with myself and knowing what to do and being really good at what I do. Actually tbh more accurately was with SD but well more or less the same since it was because of K that I feel this way. Definitely a benefactor in my life. But I'm going to let him down by actually forgoing work for school. It's like all over again, isn't it?
I keep saying I don't have regrets in my life because each decision I made I make with all my heart and at that point of time it's what I would choose to do.
But I suddenly see so much regrets floating around.
Maybe I should have failed my A levels a bit more, then things would have been better?
I don't know.
There are too many crossroads of decisions.
Too many could haves.

I want to write.
Write down all the fantasy stories that I have and just delve and escape in them.
Maybe I should really disappear and carve out a new life on my own.
Courage, where art thou missing from my life?
Well, I guess God did put in some imperfections when He was making me.