No amount of time is enough

Face it: I can't decide. No amount of time is enough because it is a circular argument.
It is obviously a circular argument.
I can't decide, and no amount of time is enough.
I don't have time to think about such frivolous stuff.
But honestly?
I'm just escaping.
Maybe I don't want anything at all.

Tonight I'm convinced

God gives each and every of us the same amount of happiness, frustration, sadness and blessings.
The duration of your life doesn't really matter... because in life, I think death is not exactly a curse, but an eternal release from suffering in the living life. So perhaps for the short-lived beings, all the myriad of emotions are just compressed within that time.

Returning to the self-centric nature of this blog: I feel like I've expended much of my happiness and blessings in my life in terms of the sort of people I've met in my life. It must have been. I haven't met a single person who treats me meanly, not too meanly, anyway. But a whole lot of angels in my life. You know who you are...  I would probably list them out if I were writing in a diary or a password protected blog, but this is ultimately a public kongjian that I don't want to expose too many names here.

I could probably list one to a hundred, at least. Some more than others, but nevertheless, still my angels. Guarding me from tipping over the edge at one point or another. Saving me from the urges to throw myself into doldrums and waste. Saving me from bad decisions. Giving me a refuge, a safe haven in this suffering of the living life.

Haven't thought about existential issues for a long long time but it doesn't mean that they aren't always at the back of my mind. I know it's very egoistical (aren't I always) to regard this sort of questions as one of the more intellectual topics to think about; even more egoistical to think that intelligent people are always unhappy because of the core existential issue that they can't come to terms with, unless resolved with religion.

With no intention to show disrespect to any religion in particular, I think that countering existential issues with religion is the most escapist way of seeing it. Okay, just like how whatever that follows "no offense" is often offensive... you may leave now if you don't want to read whatever that's going to come.

(Boy am I long-winded tonight)

Back to why I think it is escapist, I have to re-evaluate my own "religion" (or lack thereof) to set the stage for this monologue on existential issues.

In my belief, "God" is an external superpower whose only function is to give me confidence or faith in issues that science has no answers for, and simultaneously I'm aware and take it as an indisputable fact that God is a figment of my mental creation. Still following me? I'm rational beyond words, but expect nothing less from a mechanical product of this secularized and highly-bureaucratic society.

Next: Suicide is only natural and that the only motivation for people to not commit suicide is distraction in the form of work and temporary, short-lived goals such as - getting rich? earning more money for the next meal ticket? and so on. Which are essentially useless and meaningless to say the least. Why, you will definitely ask. Well, you are trapped in complex series of distractions that you don't see how much you've delved inside this maze of distractions. Remove yourself from all these, if you may, and discard all the superfluous additions and ask what the meaning of life is. You don't have to answer me, or try to rebut. Whatever your answer is, I guarantee, it is extremely minute throughout the history of universe and so inconsequential, so microscopic. 

This is not meant to encourage suicide, by the way, do get on with your distractions in life. We need some peace and order after all and fear is one thing that causes the current living suffering worse and more unbearable.

Okay end of midnight rant. Maybe next time the paragraph above will appear in some reading, please quote my name, kthxbye.

Day three.

I finally finished the huge stack of McDonaldization reading and I realized it is three chapters (aka. three readings -length) zomg. Going onto the next reading now. I've turned into a reading-finishing machine. :<

What else do I need to complete before recess week ends
3002
Print 3002 questions and practise + study for 3002 midterms (30/9, 6/10)
reorganize everything zomg so messy

2001
Another reading called Bureaucracy by Max Weber (28/9)
Study for 2001 midterms (4/10, 5/10) 
reorganize everything zomg so messy

2005
Another reading called the Moral Mum Effect (28/9)
Print the rest of 2005 notes  (30/9)
start on project 2 paper (don't forget)
reorganize everything zomg so messy

ha0201
write notes for ha0201 L4, L5, L6, L7 (1/10, 2/10)
answer think questions for ha0201 L1 L2 L3 L4 L5 L6 L7 (3/10)
start on essay (don't forget) 
um, start looking at this mod seriously?

ha1004
write notes for ha1004 L2 L3 L4 L5 L6 L7 (1/10, 2/10)
read textbook for ha1004 for W1 W2 W3 W4 W5 W6 W7 (2/10)
complete presentation + memo for ha1004  
um, start looking at this mod seriously?

cs8090
start on group project >_<
reorganize everything zomg so messy

What am I doing

I'm asking myself over and over again.
Hopefully that question disappears soon, and I'll forget what this post is about, too.

I'm afraid of the little me that controls what I do.
It's as if,
I'm just sitting in the middle of a living room,
looking at everything get smashed up around me,
but I'm just sitting here,
silently, unmoving,
looking at the havoc,
but feeling perfectly alright.

It's just this silent storm kicking in me, and the fact that I'm ignoring it.
Ignoring it so viciously but it's so loud.

I used to go hating on panadol

One of the worst cramps ever, but I find comfort in being able to rest at home without much disruption to my life. Actually I only have four bouts of really bad cramps in my life (only, but devastatingly painful :<) I used to go on hating on panadol a lot, but I've already popped three in this year just to stop the unbearable pain. And it is such a life-saver. I could feel the pain immediately ebbing away. Oh praise the genius who invented panadol (Googled and it was someone named Harmon Northrop Morse) I wonder if this torture is close to the sort of pain is close to the sort of pain people face nearing death. Well not trying to be melodramatic but this is about the maximum amount of pain I can tolerate.

Ginger tea, panadols and a good dose of acupoints massage. I will really, really stop drinking cold drinks and officially switch to hot coffee from now on. ;'( Err. A resolution that might change after a few days when I've forgotten how painful this is. :P 

Signs that I should go to sleep soon

你越不在
我越乱
通常这个时候
我们都在另一个世界
一个让思想停留 脑袋放空的世界
一个无天边 的世界

你不在
我却还在
只是 一个人
何时我变得那么不甘寂寞
不如说：何时我变得那么依赖你的陪伴？

Time check, 12.25am.

Tomorrow's the interview. 加油 Amie! <3

It's like unplugging from the life support system

I'm listening to my playlist, our playlist, just thinking about how far you must be now.
1.25am.
I'm doing my readings, thinking of you.
You left, and I feel like I just got unplugged from the life support system.
Doraemon 在看着我！
I'm going to study my readings.
Pace: 0.5/3 readings.
.__.