Lungs feel too weak to propel phlegm out... oh my god. Actually it doesn't feel too uncomfortable, just a very lethargic pair of lungs in my chest feeling like it just carried me through 2.4km.

Feeling horriblezzzzzz.
Cough cough cough non-stop and my lungs feel like there's something constantly crushing it.
Okay hopefully it's all in the mind sort of thing and it'll go away tomorrow.
I'm already eating medicine so: get well soon, body.

Dear dream diary.

Last night was a semi-scary dream.
There were quite a bit forgettable parts before that, and then when I got home, I realized that my bag has transformed into yours. Actually, it looked like none of the bags that we have - but siying has this sort of a bag - dark maroon backpack. But anyway somehow in the dream I just knew it was yours. Cos' we were supposedly carrying the same bags (LOL) but the contents were different. You were going back camp at that time and somehow I also know that you will be boarding the train (not MRT) at Tanjong Pagar train station that brings you back to camp. Inside your bag there's your phone too, no wonder you didn't reply me. -_- Okay so I took a quick look at the contents of your bag before rushing out of my house. I found a discman-shaped bomb (??? I assumed, cos it was ticking and there were blinking red lights all over) and I knew I had to get it to you to defuse it. Lol. Okay then after that I ran out of the house and very quickly the next scene switched to the train station.

I was trying to look for your name on a board where there were many many names of which passenger is going up which train, and that was when a guy came and told me he was your friend. I stupidly believed him (Oh god why. I'm not this stupid in real life ok) and then he said that you haven't arrived yet and asked me to go to a nearby cafe to rest first. Then I followed him and we started eating waffles and strawberries. He started talking about a lot of things but I wasn't really listening, holding onto the bag and looking at the clock. The clock looked strange though, it reads 10.30am but the sky looked like it was afternoon-ish more like 5pm. I wanted to interrupt the guy and ask what time you will reach, but he just refuse to stop talking.

I asked him if he knew how to defuse the bomb in your bag and that was when he suddenly wanted to snatch it over. I hugged it protectively and he tried to snatch it again over the table and that was when I started running. The train station was super crowded and I was squeezing through the crowd with the bag, but the guy was hot on my heels. Omg he is definitely a bad guy.

Just then my phone vibrated and Whatsapp messages started streaming in. You used another number to text me goodbye and said that you left your phone at home (so you thought) and that you were leaving the train station. While running, I texted 等 - send - and another 等我 frantically while completely multi-tasking.

A train was pulling into the station and everyone started clamouring onto it - it is the 情深深雨蒙蒙 train-scene kinda crowded where everyone had their little bamboo luggages and shouting. I was being pushed all around and trying to maintain balance but it was difficult. The guy is gone and I was trying to text you again and then I woke up.

I realized something about crying. Okay this isn't exactly light-hearted reading material... but anyway. Continuing. I used to cry quite a bit, but my emotions seemed to have changed. Need more explanation. Continuing. In the past, I cry even before I felt a lot of sadness. But now, it seems like... -a lot of emotions gathering in the mind and the heart -->  heart feels really really heavy --> and then a piece of my heart breaks through and the tears just fall. Very close description of what happens. These days a lot of pieces of my heart keep falling through... but it feels really really therapeutic to cry though. Yes seems sadistic but... I really haven't cried for damn long. Maybe the last time I really cried in the heartbreakingly + satisfying sort was during results announcement for SYF. Thereafter, every cry doesn't seem satisfying enough.. I don't ever feel like I used up all my tears. What a sad post. Okay. It probably is because of my playlist. Why you keep playing sad songs. :(

Hello yigekongjian.Long time no see... I guess I'm coming here today because I'm lazy to type on my phone... I dunno why but certain songs remind me of certain events, random pieces of memories. Well right now I'm listening to 鲁冰花... maybe Canto-kids can understand the homophones - although a tough link - but there still is a link to what I'm thinking about in the next paragraph.

I used to communicate with my Granddad with written letters... we (my sisters and I) would secretly leave it at some part of his room where he would definitely see every time before we leave Malaysia... so that he would have a part of us even after we leave. Till next year, the letter always forlornly punctuates itself... before a cutesy "We love you!" to lighten the mood up. The last two/three years, I continued the tradition myself... I knew he would be disappointed if I didn't, and I knew I had to. I'm glad I did... because it was the only way we could ever had quality communication - that is, with me writing in Chinese language which he could read. There was that only one time which he handed me a letter he wrote before I left (the year before the last) in which he wrote that he wished that I will keep an attitude of 自强不息 in my studies... occasionally whenever I feel unmotivated to study, I'll recall those few words. It gives me strength. Like... he is around telling me to study because learning is good for me. Going back to basics. Not because of GPA or scores... but because it is fundamentally good for me. I miss him a lot. And it feels terribly lonely to know that... all I have is his letter and a very, transient, intangible memory of him. I can't believe it has only been little more than three months, but it seems so long ago... Three months ain't enough to stop grieving, really. But it's like... all the evidence of him in my life is suddenly gone. Nobody seems to care anymore. Or maybe it's taboo that's why everyone is silent. I don't know. For me, I still care. So deeply.

I can't deal with death... I really don't know how to return to Malaysia this time without breaking down, or maintaining a poker face. Why did you wake my heart up? Now it's havoc.

Oh damn, the waterworks.

5-11-2013

今天就没有什么事情发生。放学后就在学校读完一个 reading。

然后看天黑黑的 我就先回家了。

然后就煮了这个：

还不错吧。:)

HEY :)

没什么。