Hello yigekongjian.Long time no see... I guess I'm coming here today because I'm lazy to type on my phone... I dunno why but certain songs remind me of certain events, random pieces of memories. Well right now I'm listening to 鲁冰花... maybe Canto-kids can understand the homophones - although a tough link - but there still is a link to what I'm thinking about in the next paragraph.

I used to communicate with my Granddad with written letters... we (my sisters and I) would secretly leave it at some part of his room where he would definitely see every time before we leave Malaysia... so that he would have a part of us even after we leave. Till next year, the letter always forlornly punctuates itself... before a cutesy "We love you!" to lighten the mood up. The last two/three years, I continued the tradition myself... I knew he would be disappointed if I didn't, and I knew I had to. I'm glad I did... because it was the only way we could ever had quality communication - that is, with me writing in Chinese language which he could read. There was that only one time which he handed me a letter he wrote before I left (the year before the last) in which he wrote that he wished that I will keep an attitude of 自强不息 in my studies... occasionally whenever I feel unmotivated to study, I'll recall those few words. It gives me strength. Like... he is around telling me to study because learning is good for me. Going back to basics. Not because of GPA or scores... but because it is fundamentally good for me. I miss him a lot. And it feels terribly lonely to know that... all I have is his letter and a very, transient, intangible memory of him. I can't believe it has only been little more than three months, but it seems so long ago... Three months ain't enough to stop grieving, really. But it's like... all the evidence of him in my life is suddenly gone. Nobody seems to care anymore. Or maybe it's taboo that's why everyone is silent. I don't know. For me, I still care. So deeply.

I can't deal with death... I really don't know how to return to Malaysia this time without breaking down, or maintaining a poker face. Why did you wake my heart up? Now it's havoc.

Oh damn, the waterworks.