我最讨厌自己
只敢对爱我的人
发脾气 耍任性。 

Sometimes, the full weight of the reality sinks in too deeply
and I realize it for a little while
but I push it away
thinking, 'if I don't think about it, it will go away'
True,
till the next time it comes again.
when will I be free?
the years that have gone by are the years that I've lost and never getting back.

it's like.
there's no more of anything anymore.
I wish I didn't care. At least it wouldn't hurt if it didn't matter to me.
But sometimes, the things you are most hung up about,
are the ones that deserve the least attention from you.
You know what I mean?
It just sucks.
I call it emotional abuse. And every single fucking day, I just wake up to this.
Will I get stronger or will I break?
Past experience tells me I won't get stronger, but I won't break either.
How many years have this been?
Ignoring, forgetting. It's okay. It will change. Things will get better.
Sometimes, I wish I am physically abused instead.
At least, I'll fight back. I would know clearly that's my line of action.
But no, this is worse. You don't know what to do,
and you can't deal with it. You just suck it up and smile.

１。有时候我觉得我是幸福的。幸福，对一个女人来说无味就是她生命中最重要的两个男人的关心。我知道。不合规矩。一向追求女性权主义的我 怎么把快乐的泉源定义在男人身上？

２。上帝嘲笑着渺小的我们　控制着命运与所谓的机缘巧合　甚至掌控了我们抗不抗命的人物性格。信不信由你。　生命其实由不得自己，很多时候都是背着委屈在做事。

your life is fucking important
And my life is not
My time is yours to spend and waste and fritter away

I say FUCK YOU

Sometimes, I can't wait to fucking die and see how all of you realize how much you take me for granted
And then I will think, your tears won't be because you lost someone precious to you but because you lost a slave.

I wish I have more courage. I only wish. Then I might.

possibly the most serious bout of lack of appetite ever.
telling you, it really sucks.
it's no longer an issue of getting fat/chubby/heavier
but it's more of this deep repulsion for food in itself, not the effects it has on me.
i'm pretty convinced I can survive without any food. maybe with the exception of ice-cream and water.
maybe work is taking a toll on me. life is taking a toll on me.
i don't want to do  a n y t h i n g.
just lie in the middle of bed and stare at the ceiling.
feeling alone, but not lonely.
i need that sanity back.
that sanity of privacy, the allowance for preference.
that's what.
i just don't feel like eating. maybe i'll just fade away - that's how things happen, right?
overthinking kills.
it kills softly, without a trace.
i just want to fade away sometimes.
and it won't matter, because none of us ever did.

so many things, so little time

I think I've officially chewed off more than I can bite.

Let's see what are the things on my platter:

1. OR job.
2. S. blog
3. HSSX
4. A's 21st
5. K's wedding
6. Bali trip planning

I always get so paranoid when I take the plane.